Ring...

The phone slips silently to the floor.

Ring...

The quite calm of morning gives way to another afternoon. The southern sun burns deeply, warming but not soothing the cold questions that burn inside. I'm not searching for answers or digging for promises. I swore to bury the feelings and deal only with the facts. In fact, I did.

In fact, I stood and faced every direction, examined every obstacle and tried to see everyone's point of view. My eyes grew tired as my head began to ache. My heart grew cold as feeling slipped away.

Ring...

"What should I do?"

"What could I do?"

"What would you do?"

I look oddly at the receiver.

"Hello," I say...

"How is she doing?"

"What is she doing?"

"Is she OK?"

"Hello," I repeat...

I shift my weight from left to right. Still feeling uncomfortable I repeat the process with the same effect.

"Hello?" I say a final time hoping to create calm out of chaos.

It's not that the words spoken fell upon deaf ears or that the emotions conveyed fell into an empty heart. The space between the things I've seen seem shorter every day. The words build a bridge across a river I never wanted to cross.

"Take care....."

The words toss and turn on the river's white water currents. They flow, yet not with the flow intended. They dip and sway to the natural rhythm of the crashing wakes. As they come to rest some ways down, the wind dries them to a point of understanding.

"You to...."

****

The initial storm was able to destroy a few structures and tear down a few walls. The rain fell, lightning struck, and thundered rolled. There was fighting and dancing, confusion and understanding. There was vacancies filled and hearts emptied. Emotions spilled upon the floor were swept up and rekindled. Years of life slipped away in moments, some moments lasted an eternity. I stood silent and alone, allowing the rain to join my tears as they fell from my eyes and soaked the earth below me. I asked for the rain. I saw the clouds coming. I knew my shelter was in no condition to support such a down fall. Still I waited, encouraged, maybe even provoked. Do I regret? Not as much as I should. Would I do it all over again?

Yes....

Not a drop fell today. Not a cloud in the sky. Not a breeze in the trees. The calm after the storm before the healing. Time to patch and rebuild the damage.

Alone I reach for the tools needed and the strength required to start my work. Those that danced just nights before are no where to be found. An ironic case of "fair-weather friends".

I wonder what good it does to point fingers with no one around or to place blame when no one can hear.

Do I cry for myself, by myself?

Do I cry for others, selfishly?

Do I have the right to ignore, believe, condone, or understand?

Do I have the right to make mistakes and be forgiven?

Do I have the right to be happy?

I'm afraid I'm at a loss with emotions. Too many, not enough. Maybe just too familiar.

How many times have I felt this way? None.

How many times have I wanted to? Too many to count....

One.

A cold wooded mountain side.

Two.

A colder little house.

Three.

A house upon a rolling hill.

Four.

A vacant city park.

With Five I let myself dream. I left myself sleep.

Sweet dreams....

****

"Allow me, ask nobody, dream always"

The though awakes me from a dream that I would have rathered continued.

"Ask me, allow me, dream again"

I wipe the sleep from my eyes and the smile from my face.

Dream again I would.

I dreamed of frigid rain and sultry nights and of candles flickering aimlessly in the dead of night. I dreamed of reflections drawn upon the water's edge disturbed only by the occasional ripple. I dreamed of castles and shacks, of gold and dust. I dreamed of Love, I dreamed of us. Time lost was returned to me. Times forgotten were brought to my attention. Time became a friend of my instead of a life long enemy.

This time I understand.

Do nothing for me as so I will appreciate the things you do. Offer nothing to me so I can enjoy the things you give. Be there for me when I don't need you and understand how much I always will. Accept confusion as the basis for all understandings.

Reason with reasons. Excuse excuses. Accept acceptance as failure. Believe in lies and trust in those you cannot trust till you're the one who places the label.

****

"Last call, all aboard...."

The steam rose heavy and mixed with the smokey night air.

"All aboard that are coming aboard...."

The words rose and sank as the train let out a subtle moan. The air tried hard to hide the words. The darkness tried to hid the tears. The inability to see or feel overtook me as a cloud of steam filled my face. The train took on the rhythm of a dream with a purpose. My purpose left with that dream.

"Next train is three hours away."

It didn't sink in that the words were directed at me.

"Headed the same place."

Another un-noticed pause.

"Sir?"

In the absence of the train that now appeared as a smoking spot on the horizon, the silence echoed with her words.

"I'm sorry." I say as though returning from a place so far away yet close to my heart.

"Couldn't help but notice," she said.

I could see in her eyes she was about to give up. The conversation was not going at all as she had planned.

"Three hours....", she said as she turned back to the station.

I'm sure I was meant to understand but damn if I could.

Once again steam filled my eyes as I stare deeply into the cup of black coffee. It sat silent reflecting the hanging light above it.

"So, where you headed?" the same voice says with little conviction and even less hope of receiving a descent answer.

"Home, I guess...", I say rolling the question over and over in my head.

"Time to pick up the pieces, patch the holes, and move on I guess."

She seemed content with the answer. Obviously some part of it took the form of a coherent thought and made it across the table.

"Where's home?"

As she turned her chair from her table to mine, the waiter returned to fill our cups.

"Drink up, It's a cold one out there tonight."

Spoken as rehearsed then repeated as he moved on to the next table.

"Drink up...."

The words become distant.

"It's a cold one out there."

Then almost sarcastic.

"Drink up...."

I laugh and shake my head. Looking up from my coffee I catch the eye of my almost forgotten but welcomed company.

"Welcome back," she says with no subtlety to her sarcasm.

"Nice to be back." I smile and say as so to acknowledge her efforts, "Been a long time."

"Your telling me. Third station tonight, second train I've missed." she glare down as though to verify her cup has not left.

"Luckily this track caters to fools like me". She says to her steaming coffee.

Unsure what to say I sit silent, awaiting an explanation.

"I would of flown. I should of flown. Flying would have left no opportunities to turn around. No chance to run back from running away."

A cold breeze blew between the tables and across our cups causing the steam to take shape the shift, the disappear for a moment only to return. The door closed behind another refugee from the cold.

"Amazing what you find in yourself when you stop looking for others. Amazing what you see when you stop looking all together."

I felt as though this conversation would have taken place and would probably continue if I had never stepped foot in this café or walked out now. An odd feeling kept me there. A strange attraction held my attention.

"It's not ours." she says.

Still not speaking, I answer with a puzzled look.

"The train." she explains.

Outside the station another engine moans to a stop and breaths it's last breath.

"That one goes from just north of here back to where we came from. I don't think either of us are headed that direction," she punctuates her words with a sip of coffee and a cold thought.

"I'm not waiting for a train." I say figuring it's far enough off the subject to be safe.

"We'll see." she answers.

A long pause over takes the table and what seems to be most of the tables around us. Like the machines on an assembly line, people sit sipping coffee as though dancing to a silent song. The clank of cups and deep breaths harmonize with the breeze that whistles though the windows and the doors. The silent son becomes deafening.

"I was dropping off a friend" I say as a matter of fact, but the words become a plead for a case I didn't want to plead.

"You should let her go then..."

I hear a bell and the announcer's voice,"Round one goes to the stranger across the table."

Normally this would have been grounds for a fight, but it's just too cold to sit here alone.

"So, where do these tracks lead for you?" I do my best to change the subject.

"A little town north of here. A little house I use to call home. A little further from everything I left behind. A little closer to where I wanna be."

In a single breath she concludes her though and leaves me breathless. With a sip of coffee she begins to continue only to stop in mid-thought.

"Same as you I assume...."

She wraps her palms around her cup for warmth, for prayer, I couldn't tell.

"Drink up, it's..."

"I know, 'a cold one out there tonight'." I finish his sentence in double time leaving him with nothing to say. Off to the next table. Off to his next performance.

I look up just in time to see her wipe a tear from her cheek and tilt her head back in laughter.

"Subtle your not." she says.

The conversation lightened as the night grew darker. We laughed, we talked, we laughed again. The air grew colder while our hearts kept us warm. Trains came and went on into the early morning hours. We stayed. Tired of running, and tired of chasing. Tired of hiding. Tired of lying to ourselves. Feelings and emotions poured freely that night. Some words were spoken eye to eye. Some got directed downward and came to rest in our coffee cups.

"Drink up. It's a cold one out there."

****

Morning came with no surprise and left no mysteries in it's dust. Dreams dark, hopes dim, and confusion shining bright. What will this morning bring? Who will it bring? What will it leave behind? Who will it leave alone?

My head swims with apologizes and excuses. I try to drown them with songs, but only succeed in creating new thoughts that I feel the need to apologize for and justify with excuses.

"I'm sorry."

I woke up this morning and wrote down this song. I just can't remember who to send it to.

I'm sorry I smiled last night. I'm sorry I laughed.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"Fair? What's Fair?"

This "once upon a time" fairytale wears thin on my nerves. My anger becomes more focused. My focus on existence fades and blurs, mixing with my dreams then disappears completely leaving my dreams there to shine.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."she says.

"I'm not." I say as the conversation comes to an abrupt end. No sign, no warning, no yellow light. Just the scream of brakes and the breaking of hearts. Chalk outlines on the cold asphalt and diagrams showing what went wrong and who was at fault. Sweep up the pieces. Dowse the flares.

"Move on. Nothing to see here."

"Keep it moving."

****

No words tonight. Did I run out of things to say or just reasons to say them. Did the purpose of speaking get lost in me desire to exist or did my existence bore me to a point of speechlessness. Even thoughts seem a little vague.

Check the punctuation. Cross the T's, dot the I's. Check and re-check the spelling of every word. Turn an art into a science. Turn a Love into a stage play. Recite the lines, hit every mark, then exit stage left. The curtain falls, the lights dim, the crowd applause comes tight on cue.

End of act I

Act II

Act III

Final bows, final applause.

Thank You....

Give a bouquet of roses to our leading lady. Shake hands. Ride off into the sunset.

Next show, 8pm Sunday July 19^th.

See you there.

****

I ask for nothing. In doing so I request the world. I request the space that covers us in security. I request the darkness that hides us from that which we search for day and night. I require very little. A morning, a warm afternoon. A rain storm now and then. I require peace and turmoil and the ability to see that which is around me.

I give everything. Though it might not be what most people want or expect. I give all of myself. Heart, body, and soul. I give to the ones I love. I give to those I hate. I give to my best friends and those whom I've yet to meet. Call them strangers if you want.

I expect nothing and expect nothing to be expected of me. To expect from others is to admit defeat in being self-sufficient. I will give my life for anyone. I will give my life to no one. Share, yes. Sacrifice, no. Believe, sometimes. Dream, always. Understand, never.

What brought me here tonight.

What left me here to ponder.

Doubts? I doubt it. I've lived with doubts all my life.

Fear? Maybe, but I fail to feel the fear.

Regret? Interesting thought but a little vague. A little to easy. A good place to place blame or create excuses, but not a place to stay or believe in. There's a reason for everything and everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I'm here tonight.

Lay my head down. Pull the covers up and listen to the faint sound of life.

Am I here to observe and not to take part. Am I an extra. An innocent bystander. Just the thought makes me laugh. I have a way of putting myself in the Middle of everything. Never the outsider, and certainly never innocent.

I laugh again.

I drift off laughing.

Innocent....

****

That didn't take long....

The rain trickles down the living room window as the wind disrupts it solemn path. The lights dim momentarily as the wind whistles between the door and the jam. Again the lights dim.

It wasn't the wind that blew her away that day. It was the calm between the gust. It wasn't the clouds that brought her down or obscured her view, it was the occasional patch of blue sky.

It wasn't the nights. It wasn't the mornings. It wasn't any time during the day. It was just that time of her life.

I'm glad I was there. I wish I would have been there more. I fear I might never be there again.

I considered crying.

I thought again.

I tried to laugh to no avail.

I considered leaving.

I thought again.

I stood there silent and wished her well.

****

Fuck this.

Fuck me.

Fuck you.

A passing thought that refused to pass of a dream that passed to quickly.

Not to jump the gun or jump in front of bullet.

Not to expire....

There just must be an explanation, a reason, an excuse.

The weather has turned my direction. The days still turn for me.

Is it this spinning that sends me spinning.

My head spins again.

Hello....

Good bye....

Your afraid?

I scare you?

You don't cry. You don't feel as far as we know. As far as we can tell your as far from us as you can be.

I join the masses. Join the club. I join others in the same boat. I sail with others with the wind that blows us from your heart. The stars in your eyes become just another ain in navigation. The darkness, just another obstacle.

Don't blink. I may lose my way.

Don't sleep....

Don't cry. Not that the thought crossed your mind.

Don't give up.

Don't give in.

Fight when necessary.

Let others back you.

All others in your corner. At the sound of the bell we all need some ringside. Between rounds we all need someone to wipe the sweat from out brow and tend to our cuts.

Come out swinging.

Come home with you guard down.

Let things go, let nothing be forgotten.

****

A deep breath, a long thought. A good night sleep. Sometimes it's all we need. Sometimes we need more.

Sometimes I need just to see what if feels like to need. Sometimes I want just to feel how it feels not to have.

Am I ready to put down the sadness and the memories in order to hold another?

Am I ready to go on or go off again?

Run. Hide. Laugh. Cry.

Give up.

Try....

****

An interesting passing of events. An eventful passing of interest. I fight the urge to fight or follow. I follow my instincts and lay down peacefully in the shadow of the old oak tree. The Leaves have mostly fallen making a blanket of greens and golds that stretch as far as my eyes can see. Through closed eyes I imagine us there. Walking, laughing, kicking the moist leaves revealing the dormant grass below. The rain taps on the quickly expiring leaves creating a rhythm that makes our hearts dance. Where hearts go bodies will follow.

But our bodies did not follow, they fled. They ran. They hid in the darkest corner of our minds. Faith turned to justification. Dreams turned to reality. Love turned away. As I awake the painful truth reveals it's ugly face. It laughs and mocks me. It dances around wildly. Arms waving in the air. Feet twirling across the bed of dead leaves. The dream of rain falling became the reality of tears running from my eyes. We all have to wake up sooner or later. I just wasn't quite ready for this dream to end.

Truth completes it's dance as the song of rain finished it's symphony. The instruments are packed up, the checks are paid, the doors are locked behind us....

****

So is this the way it will go? Is this the way it's going to be? Is this what people are going to see when they look back on us and remember how it use to be? Will the pictures tell a different story? As we flip though the scrap book, will the dates be forever engraved on the tombstones of our failures? Will there ever be a time when we can truly rest in peace?

I'll be the first in line to admit my mistakes. Most of them get pointed out to me on a regular basis others are known only to me. Secrets held deep inside to keep people from using them against me. Am I not as strong as I once was or am I just smarter then I've ever been.

I'm still not sure what it is I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I only know that what I've done cannot be changed. It would be ridiculous of me to ask others to forgive and forget when I myself have been unable to.

Forgive me for crying.

Forget me tonight.

Forgive me for lying.

Forget the words I spoke so harshly to you last night.

Forget everything I've ever said, done, thought, or felt.

Forget me.

Forget us.

Forget it.

Remember I Love You.

****

So much to remember so little time. I keep meaning to pick up a daily planner but I always seem to forget. I'll do it tomorrow.

It cooled off a little then got down right cold. The wind beat relentlessly on the door awaiting an answer. I sat half hidden beneath the blankets.

The knocking continued on into the early morning hours. The pounding followed me through most of the next day. For a week now, the echos continue their rhythmic tapping.

Tap.

An occasional pause now and then to disrupt the serenity or the security. Then a sudden intro to a continuing song.

Tap.

It was actually an amazing little storm. Unlike any other I've ever seen. It blew in beneath a clear blue sky, killed the sun and hobbled the night. It's gale force winds strip the already bare trees and it's rain soaked the newly fallen leaves. As quickly as it came, it past. As fast as the clouds appeared, they disappeared. All of this occurred with no intrivension from me.

I sat back and watched unable to see. I listened unable to hear. I absorbed unable to understand.

Tap.

The aftershocks continued.

Tap.

****

It took a while to sink in and I'm not sure it actually did. As best I can tell I was left alone with no one leaving, told good bye with out a word, and apologize to for lord knows what.

As I sit here in the dark, again, I wonder if I'll ever see the light. Will the cold ever cease or even appear. Will anything happen or will things continue to just exist. I'm tired, that I'm sure of. Sleep won't come easy if it comes at all. No more good nights.

If what I did was not enough, it never will be. If what I gave was not enough, it to will always be short of expectations. Did I do too much, not enough, or just the wrong things. Did I try too hard. Did I try at all.

The clouds hang pretty in front of the setting sun. The warm red glow fades as the night time approaches. It's a shame I'm the only one to see it. The only one to enjoy it. The only one to appreciate it. It's the little things that hide the big things that block our vision. Stop looking so hard.

I did my best to feel at home. It even worked for a spell. Now, here, today, I feel no more at home then I did before I left. I feel no more at home then before I ran. I feel no more.

Driving seems to easy the pain. The wind, the engine, the passing of obstacles. I can only drive for so long till I'll have to return to the house and secure my possessions. I still have lose ends to tie up and lost feelings to end. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward at all. Everything I had looked forward to has quickly faded into the past.

I guess I saw it coming. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. I'd be naive to say I thought things would change. Lord knows I've tried that before. Sometimes change is too much to ask no matter how hard two people try. We did try. We tried like hell. The hell we went though should have secured two people together for life but I think it took the life out of us.

It took the life out of our relationship. It took the life out of our dreams. We started to hold on to the turmoil till the turmoil took hold of us. It tossed us about and tore us apart. Bad timing I guess. I only know we tried.

For once in my life I tried to. I put someone else before myself. I put anothers feeling before my own. I guess I wasn't very good at it. I knew it felt awkward but I didn't think it showed that much. Given time I would have improved I'm sure, but time is not always a luxury we're offered. Time is often the one obstacle we never seem to be able to negotiate. From change to change we roll from one shore to another like a lost tide. Sands stolen then replaced. Footprints erased. I walked lightly on this shore in hopes of not leaving any traces when the tide finally came, but traces I left. One hearts, on emotions, on the solid stone I walked. No tide can erase the pain. No wave will take the memories out to sea. I'm stuck with the castles I build and the motes I dug. I'm forced to carry them around. I wish I didn't have to go. I wish I didn't have to leave, but the load is heavier here then anywhere else. Most of my mistakes still hang on the walls and decorate the door ways. Most of them will be there long after I'm gone. I only hope that the painful ones will fade with time. I only hope the load will get lighter.

****

I retraced my steps which only took a few moments. The good bye hug, first kiss, every fight and the final good bye all took place with in a few feet of each other. I can feel the emotions change with each step. From the best of times to the worst of times. From dreams to nightmares. Amazing what can occure in a short period of time. Amazing what the heart can endure and what the heart just cannot take.

I still feel her touch in everything I do. I still hear her voice in my head.

My hand aches with the dull pain that comes from anger and confusion. The walls remain scared from the frustration. The only thing that does not hurt is the memory I keep in my heart.

So many things I would have told her if I wasn't so affraid. So many things I would have done if only given the chance. I look back now and see the time wasted and the chances given. I see the times I sat quite when I could have said what was on my mind.

Close we we're but so little time had past that I never felt as comfortable as I had hoped. I know it might have been asking too much. Or maybe if I would have asked, more would have been given. I just never learned to trust that much.

It's been a learning process. This process continues today, tomorrow, and probably forever. I don't mind learning but does it always have to be a the cost of failure. Never have I misunderstood the simple, seen the complex, and still had no idea what was going on. The need to run gets stronger as the desire to stay seems to fade. I running out of reasons not to run.

Hello....

Good bye....

Welcome back....

I'll see you later....

The words seem to lose their meaning as they get spoken again.

Something has to bend....

Something has to give....

Something has to change....

There is always something that has to do something. We want things done with as little effort as possible. We want to bend the rules without playing the game. We want to give of ourselves with out lending a hand to hold. We want for changes then run from the unknown.

****

Merry Christmas.

The bells ring outside the shopping malls, the cars roam aimlessly in search of a place to rest. The cold wind finally found it's way to south as the year comes to an end.

I was not taken by surprise when Christmas appeared again on my calendar. I was a little confused on where the year had went. So much has happen that I can't seem to place the events on the time line. So many things have fallen apart. So many things have come together. Inside and out, changes where clear.